Don’t force your kids to hug relatives this Chinese New Year
Thursday, February 8, 2018
With Chinese New Year festivities coming up, this article is not about refusing to allow willing children to give their aunts and uncles a hug, or grandparents a kiss. It is not about being politically correct or stopping normal family routines, nor is it trying to scaremonger. But it is a reminder to listen to your children when they can’t articulate their feelings.
Children have strong and powerful instincts. Sometimes children don't want to kiss a relative or family friend, for all sorts of reasons, and at times adults override their children’s instincts for social niceties that suit the adult, not the child, because the adults “want them to”, because “it doesn't look nice”, or seem “polite”. In being coerced to kiss or cuddle someone they don't want to, that child is being told that how they feel, and what they want to do with their own bodies doesn't really matter. That an adult's wishes and sensibilities matter more.
And it sets a dangerous precedent. If a child gets used to being told their bodies aren't their own, or have no right of refusal, even in something as innocent as kissing grandma, when or if there is malintent from another adult they may not feel strong enough to say no. How are children magically supposed to learn that lesson? You cannot expect a child to do what you want them to, and then magically grow up to "know their own mind". Knowing their own mind starts with allowing them to speak it.
Why? Because teaching consent is just as important for a 3-year-old as it for a 13-year-old. It's never too early for kids to practice bodily autonomy, says Airial Clark, MA, a sexuality educator and community organizer. "Affection should be freely given, which means it needs to be freely withheld," Clark adds. Cajoling a young child into giving frail Grandma Betty a kiss on the cheek may seem harmless, but, Clark explains, "There are many things being taught to a child when their bodily autonomy isn't taken into consideration. One message that gets internalized is 'your body is more important than yourself.' As in, the affection or comfort your body gives matters more than how you feel about giving [it]."
Lucy Emmerson, co-ordinator of the Sex Education Forum, recently echoed this. Emmerson believes that learning about consent starts from age zero. "Much is learned by young children from everyday experiences about whether or not their opinion is valued, and if they have any control over physical contact with others."
"Children," says Peter Saunders, chief executive of the National Association for People Abused in Childhood, "should never be forced to do anything which makes them uncomfortable around these issues. Children are instinctive and intuitive around people they are not comfortable with. And we need to respect that." "There are certain things we make children do which is quite different," says Saunders. "We make them brush their teeth, for example. That is quite different to forcing them to kiss an uncle they don't want to. It's about boundaries. And this blurring of boundaries [by forcing them to kiss someone they don't want to] can indeed blur their understanding of what is right and wrong, about their body belonging to them."
Your child may be shy, introverted or just need more time. Your child may not want to kiss a relative for no other reason than they don't feel like it. But one day, they may have a very real instinct about someone. It is not possible to have it both ways. If an adult gets offended because a child doesn't kiss them or want to be near them, then really it's up to the adult to address these feelings of abandonment, not the child to make it better. While this may momentarily disappoint a grandparent or two in the short-term, Clark reminds parents that "grown adults should be able to handle rejection. The burden doesn't need to be placed on a child to make an adult feel better." She adds, "If the parent makes bodily autonomy normal, there's a good chance everyone else will adjust to the new normal too."
If anything, take a moment to talk to relatives and friends about your decision because they may not understand or see it as a problem. Explain that not seeing it as a problem implies that they (and many adults in general) feel they have the right to touch your child how they want, where they want. It also sends a conflicting message to young children that they could interpret as relatives can’t be abusers, when in fact, statistically abusers are more likely to be someone their child knows.
You can prepare your child and other family members for social situations where there may be lots of relatives expecting hugs or kisses, by using the phrase “Hug, handshake or high five?”. Practise this at home with your child so that they know the ball lies in their court and they get to decide how to greet the relative. Then when you’re at the gathering and your child hesitates in the moment of greeting, say it out loud to remind your child and get the family member up to speed: “Hug, handshake, or high-five?
Here are 4 other kiss-alternatives that you can teach your child to use instead:
• High fives
• Elbow bumps
• Fist bumps
• Blow kisses
Learning about consent is a vital part of sex education, and forcing a child into affection with a family member only confuses. Your child has an identity and is an individual with their own feelings which must be respected, no matter what their age. By laying the groundwork for a strong understanding of consent, we can influence a kid’s relationship with their body—by telling them that they are in control of who they touch, you’re also telling them that their body is theirs, not for serving other people’s feelings, empowering them to see their body image in a positive way, and to know that their consent is vital.
For those seeking more information, please check out the End Child Sexual Abuse Foundation.
Sticking with an exercise routine can be a struggle for anyone. But for parents, squeezing in workouts can feel near impossible. Let’s combine bonding time with exercise time! Read our article on “ Why you should work out with your kids” written by our Hong Kong Playgroup Specialist here!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
Children have strong and powerful instincts. Sometimes children don't want to kiss a relative or family friend, for all sorts of reasons, and at times adults override their children’s instincts for social niceties that suit the adult, not the child, because the adults “want them to”, because “it doesn't look nice”, or seem “polite”. In being coerced to kiss or cuddle someone they don't want to, that child is being told that how they feel, and what they want to do with their own bodies doesn't really matter. That an adult's wishes and sensibilities matter more.
And it sets a dangerous precedent. If a child gets used to being told their bodies aren't their own, or have no right of refusal, even in something as innocent as kissing grandma, when or if there is malintent from another adult they may not feel strong enough to say no. How are children magically supposed to learn that lesson? You cannot expect a child to do what you want them to, and then magically grow up to "know their own mind". Knowing their own mind starts with allowing them to speak it.
Why? Because teaching consent is just as important for a 3-year-old as it for a 13-year-old. It's never too early for kids to practice bodily autonomy, says Airial Clark, MA, a sexuality educator and community organizer. "Affection should be freely given, which means it needs to be freely withheld," Clark adds. Cajoling a young child into giving frail Grandma Betty a kiss on the cheek may seem harmless, but, Clark explains, "There are many things being taught to a child when their bodily autonomy isn't taken into consideration. One message that gets internalized is 'your body is more important than yourself.' As in, the affection or comfort your body gives matters more than how you feel about giving [it]."
Lucy Emmerson, co-ordinator of the Sex Education Forum, recently echoed this. Emmerson believes that learning about consent starts from age zero. "Much is learned by young children from everyday experiences about whether or not their opinion is valued, and if they have any control over physical contact with others."
"Children," says Peter Saunders, chief executive of the National Association for People Abused in Childhood, "should never be forced to do anything which makes them uncomfortable around these issues. Children are instinctive and intuitive around people they are not comfortable with. And we need to respect that." "There are certain things we make children do which is quite different," says Saunders. "We make them brush their teeth, for example. That is quite different to forcing them to kiss an uncle they don't want to. It's about boundaries. And this blurring of boundaries [by forcing them to kiss someone they don't want to] can indeed blur their understanding of what is right and wrong, about their body belonging to them."
Your child may be shy, introverted or just need more time. Your child may not want to kiss a relative for no other reason than they don't feel like it. But one day, they may have a very real instinct about someone. It is not possible to have it both ways. If an adult gets offended because a child doesn't kiss them or want to be near them, then really it's up to the adult to address these feelings of abandonment, not the child to make it better. While this may momentarily disappoint a grandparent or two in the short-term, Clark reminds parents that "grown adults should be able to handle rejection. The burden doesn't need to be placed on a child to make an adult feel better." She adds, "If the parent makes bodily autonomy normal, there's a good chance everyone else will adjust to the new normal too."
If anything, take a moment to talk to relatives and friends about your decision because they may not understand or see it as a problem. Explain that not seeing it as a problem implies that they (and many adults in general) feel they have the right to touch your child how they want, where they want. It also sends a conflicting message to young children that they could interpret as relatives can’t be abusers, when in fact, statistically abusers are more likely to be someone their child knows.
You can prepare your child and other family members for social situations where there may be lots of relatives expecting hugs or kisses, by using the phrase “Hug, handshake or high five?”. Practise this at home with your child so that they know the ball lies in their court and they get to decide how to greet the relative. Then when you’re at the gathering and your child hesitates in the moment of greeting, say it out loud to remind your child and get the family member up to speed: “Hug, handshake, or high-five?
Here are 4 other kiss-alternatives that you can teach your child to use instead:
• High fives
• Elbow bumps
• Fist bumps
• Blow kisses
Learning about consent is a vital part of sex education, and forcing a child into affection with a family member only confuses. Your child has an identity and is an individual with their own feelings which must be respected, no matter what their age. By laying the groundwork for a strong understanding of consent, we can influence a kid’s relationship with their body—by telling them that they are in control of who they touch, you’re also telling them that their body is theirs, not for serving other people’s feelings, empowering them to see their body image in a positive way, and to know that their consent is vital.
For those seeking more information, please check out the End Child Sexual Abuse Foundation.
Sticking with an exercise routine can be a struggle for anyone. But for parents, squeezing in workouts can feel near impossible. Let’s combine bonding time with exercise time! Read our article on “ Why you should work out with your kids” written by our Hong Kong Playgroup Specialist here!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
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