how to deal with separation anxiety a k a dealing with the parenting blues
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Autumn, season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. And school. Back to school. Cue wailing and gnashing of teeth from children, accompanied by the popping of champagne bottles from grateful parents.
However, for many just beginning school, this can be a horribly anxious time, fraught with terror at being separated. And we’re not talking just the children here.
If you’re looking for good advice on how to lessen the impact for your child, we’ve added some handy articles at the bottom that might be useful, because ours is not that kind of article. There are countless articles on dealing with separation anxiety in children, all offering sound and sensible advice. We’re here to talk about how separation anxiety affects parents, leaving us guilt-ridden and helplessness, and what can we do to help ourselves and our children.
What is separation anxiety?
According to Psychology Today, separation anxiety refers to excessive fear or anxiety about separation from home or an attachment figure. In previous versions of the term, separation anxiety was only applied to people under the age of 18. The diagnosis is now categorized as an anxiety disorder that can be present at all stages of life, with parents feeling the same anxiety as their child. While separation anxiety is a normal stage of infant development and normally ends around 2, it can happen regardless of age. The key feature is when anxiety exceeds what might be expected give a person's developmental level.
What does separation anxiety look like?
In children this may manifest as excessive clinginess to their parents, refusal to sleep without being near a major attachment figure, reluctance to attend school, or requiring someone to be with them when they go to other places. There may also be physical symptoms when separation is anticipated or occurs, such as headaches, nausea and vomiting.
Adults with this disorder may feel uncomfortable when traveling independently, experience extreme concern and even nightmares about separating from their offspring or spouse and continuously check on their whereabouts. Separation anxiety disorder can often be frustrating for family members and can lead to resentment and conflict within the family.
What can parents do?
1. Form a parents’ group and give each other support. Chances are there are many other parents from your child’s class who may also be experiencing anxiety. Get together regularly (perhaps when your children are all at school) and have some child-free fun. Find empathetic and understanding parents to help you through the process and share your feelings.
2. Keep yourself busy. Plan ahead and schedule all those things you want or need to do alone, e.g. yoga classes, massages, haircuts, fitness, window shopping, groceries, a trip to the bank or post office, etc, so that when it comes time to leaving your child at school, your time apart is already filled. Even if you’re not feeling it, go through the motions so that you’re not moping around the house alone. The anxiety will ease, the busier you keep yourself.
3. Enjoy that time! While it may be easier said, than done, see this time as a golden opportunity. Catch up on all those little projects you’ve been meaning to do, like finishing that quilt, or building that armchair, or repainting the spare room. Even better, spend that time with people you love, your spouse or partner, your friends or particular family members.
4. Stay positive around your child. Children are very perceptive and sensitive to parents’ emotions. They will pick up any negative emotions you’re feeling and internalise them. Never make them feel guilty, because this can lead to them feeling apologetic or regretful about leaving, in turn creating a vicious cycle of guilt. Instead, be enthusiastic and cheerful so that they will feel optimistic and anxiety will ease for both of you.
While these emotions are entirely natural and to be expected to some extent, try to keep in mind that helping your child to adjust to their new daily routine is important to their own development as an individual. They will be learning new things every day at a phenomenal rate and will be eager to show you what they’ve learned. Take pride in their educational, social and emotional strides and celebrate every moment when you are together. This time, when they are young, flies by so quickly, so cherish every bit of it and watch them blossom!
And if you need the support of other parents, check out our
Mighty Oaks Club ! We have regular get togethers, workshops and community events for parents and helpers.
Wondering what a day is like at Kindergarten? Our Hong Kong Kindergarten specialist has put together this little blog post to give an insight into the lives of our kindergarteners , particularly our pre-nursery class (2-3 year olds).
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
Resources:
https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/11/10-ways-to-ease-your-childs-preschool-separation-anxiety-and-yours/?mcubz=0
http://www.preschool-plan-it.com/separation-anxiety.html
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/separation-anxiety-and-separation-anxiety-disorder.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/separation-anxiety
However, for many just beginning school, this can be a horribly anxious time, fraught with terror at being separated. And we’re not talking just the children here.
If you’re looking for good advice on how to lessen the impact for your child, we’ve added some handy articles at the bottom that might be useful, because ours is not that kind of article. There are countless articles on dealing with separation anxiety in children, all offering sound and sensible advice. We’re here to talk about how separation anxiety affects parents, leaving us guilt-ridden and helplessness, and what can we do to help ourselves and our children.
What is separation anxiety?
According to Psychology Today, separation anxiety refers to excessive fear or anxiety about separation from home or an attachment figure. In previous versions of the term, separation anxiety was only applied to people under the age of 18. The diagnosis is now categorized as an anxiety disorder that can be present at all stages of life, with parents feeling the same anxiety as their child. While separation anxiety is a normal stage of infant development and normally ends around 2, it can happen regardless of age. The key feature is when anxiety exceeds what might be expected give a person's developmental level.
What does separation anxiety look like?
In children this may manifest as excessive clinginess to their parents, refusal to sleep without being near a major attachment figure, reluctance to attend school, or requiring someone to be with them when they go to other places. There may also be physical symptoms when separation is anticipated or occurs, such as headaches, nausea and vomiting.
Adults with this disorder may feel uncomfortable when traveling independently, experience extreme concern and even nightmares about separating from their offspring or spouse and continuously check on their whereabouts. Separation anxiety disorder can often be frustrating for family members and can lead to resentment and conflict within the family.
What can parents do?
1. Form a parents’ group and give each other support. Chances are there are many other parents from your child’s class who may also be experiencing anxiety. Get together regularly (perhaps when your children are all at school) and have some child-free fun. Find empathetic and understanding parents to help you through the process and share your feelings.
2. Keep yourself busy. Plan ahead and schedule all those things you want or need to do alone, e.g. yoga classes, massages, haircuts, fitness, window shopping, groceries, a trip to the bank or post office, etc, so that when it comes time to leaving your child at school, your time apart is already filled. Even if you’re not feeling it, go through the motions so that you’re not moping around the house alone. The anxiety will ease, the busier you keep yourself.
3. Enjoy that time! While it may be easier said, than done, see this time as a golden opportunity. Catch up on all those little projects you’ve been meaning to do, like finishing that quilt, or building that armchair, or repainting the spare room. Even better, spend that time with people you love, your spouse or partner, your friends or particular family members.
4. Stay positive around your child. Children are very perceptive and sensitive to parents’ emotions. They will pick up any negative emotions you’re feeling and internalise them. Never make them feel guilty, because this can lead to them feeling apologetic or regretful about leaving, in turn creating a vicious cycle of guilt. Instead, be enthusiastic and cheerful so that they will feel optimistic and anxiety will ease for both of you.
While these emotions are entirely natural and to be expected to some extent, try to keep in mind that helping your child to adjust to their new daily routine is important to their own development as an individual. They will be learning new things every day at a phenomenal rate and will be eager to show you what they’ve learned. Take pride in their educational, social and emotional strides and celebrate every moment when you are together. This time, when they are young, flies by so quickly, so cherish every bit of it and watch them blossom!
And if you need the support of other parents, check out our
Mighty Oaks Club ! We have regular get togethers, workshops and community events for parents and helpers.
Wondering what a day is like at Kindergarten? Our Hong Kong Kindergarten specialist has put together this little blog post to give an insight into the lives of our kindergarteners , particularly our pre-nursery class (2-3 year olds).
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
Resources:
https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/11/10-ways-to-ease-your-childs-preschool-separation-anxiety-and-yours/?mcubz=0
http://www.preschool-plan-it.com/separation-anxiety.html
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/separation-anxiety-and-separation-anxiety-disorder.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/separation-anxiety
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