How to help your child bond with the new baby
Saturday, July 14, 2018
Being jealous of a sibling is a normal rite of passage for all firstborns. However, the way you handle it can affect whether your child comes to see their new sibling as a friend or a foe down the road. Your goal is to help your child manage that jealousy so love has a chance to grow and to win out. No matter how old (or young) your firstborn is, there’ll be some adjustment to do when a baby brother or a sister comes on the scene. These steps will make the change easier for all of you.
1. Anything you can do while you're pregnant to prepare your child will be helpful. Your goal is to get them excited about the baby and feeling connected to it, even before it is born. You can encourage your child’s excitement and connection to the baby by：
• Reading stories about childbirth, new babies or waiting for their sibling.
• Referring to "Our baby" or "Your sister" or even "Your baby." The more ownership they feel -- and of course, the less they feel displaced -- the less jealousy they'll exhibit. (Of course, no one "owns" the baby, who is a person in her own right. But we all use possessives like "my sister" or "my son" to denote relationship.)
• Taking them with you to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat.
• Giving them a sense of responsibility and care by letting them pick out furniture, toys and clothes or letting them help you paint and decorate the baby's room.
• Choosing potential baby names together (if you can let them “name" the baby with a name you love, all the better.)
• Packing a bag together for the hospital that includes a photo of them or a drawing they’ve made in anticipation of the birth to “show” the new baby.
2. Let your child express their full range of feelings throughout the pregnancy, birth, and afterwards, respond with empathy. There will naturally be some jealousy of all the time and attention you and everyone else are giving to the new baby. Reassure them with your words and actions that you love them and be sure to spend "special" time just with them each day. While it's fine to emphasize the advantages of being older, it's good to reassure them that they will always be your baby, too, and to baby them a bit. Some older siblings may well want to "play" baby, and that's fine. They won't regress forever.
3. Make sure your child knows they still have an important role in the family. They have always been the baby and are about to be displaced. Now they will be the big brother or sister. But they also need to hear that they are an individual who contributes to the family just by being themselves. Make sure you reinforce all the special things about them. Compliment them specifically on their contributions, e.g. "James, I love the way you make me laugh," or "Kate, I love the way you help me with the groceries like this!". Also think about giving them responsibility and structuring the baby’s room so that they can be responsible for small jobs like putting the nappies and wipes near the changing table after a grocery shop. In this way, they can help take care of their baby sibling and it will help your child develop a sense of why they are a valuable member of the family. Talk often about the fact that each member of the family is important in their own way, makes their own special contribution and that the family needs each person for it to be whole.
4. Make sure to discuss with your older child who will be with them during the birth itself.
Unexpected changes in routine can be distressing for children and this can be a difficult time for the older sibling. Be sure they have the opportunity during a "trial run" to spend bonding time with whoever will care for them if it’s not your partner.
5. Ensure that they visit you as quickly as possible after the baby is born, before other visitors. Emphasize your happiness at seeing them, rather than your preoccupation with the new baby. Then let them sit and hold the baby, helping and showing them how to support the baby’s head. Dr. Lawrence Aber, a bonding expert, says that babies' heads give off pheromones, and when we inhale them, we fall in love, and begin to feel protective. The more your older child snuggles their new sibling, the better their relationship is likely to be.
6. Your child may try express anger towards the baby through physical aggression. Don’t punish, but do make clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed. Let your little one express anger through other ways, like drawing a picture of themselves looking mad or roaring like a big, fierce lion, or roleplaying their situation as animals.
Finally, get any big changes out of the way well in advance of the birth or save it till much later, such as room changes, weaning and toilet training. They will need plenty of time to turn these new routines into habits without associating them with the baby. Above all, be patient. Big changes are ahead for the whole family, not just your firstborn.
And if you’re feeling frazzled? Enlist help from a relative, who can tend to your newborn as you spend time with your oldest. Or suggest your partner schedule special activities together with your child, like going roller-skating or to the beach, and give them some special bonding time.
Is your little one starting school in August? Are you planning to toilet-train them over the summer in preparation for their school start? Read our article written by Hong Kong Kindergarten Specialist: "A step by step guide to toilet-training" to get some valuable tips and tricks on how to make this a smooth and stress-free process!
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1. Anything you can do while you're pregnant to prepare your child will be helpful. Your goal is to get them excited about the baby and feeling connected to it, even before it is born. You can encourage your child’s excitement and connection to the baby by：
• Reading stories about childbirth, new babies or waiting for their sibling.
• Referring to "Our baby" or "Your sister" or even "Your baby." The more ownership they feel -- and of course, the less they feel displaced -- the less jealousy they'll exhibit. (Of course, no one "owns" the baby, who is a person in her own right. But we all use possessives like "my sister" or "my son" to denote relationship.)
• Taking them with you to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat.
• Giving them a sense of responsibility and care by letting them pick out furniture, toys and clothes or letting them help you paint and decorate the baby's room.
• Choosing potential baby names together (if you can let them “name" the baby with a name you love, all the better.)
• Packing a bag together for the hospital that includes a photo of them or a drawing they’ve made in anticipation of the birth to “show” the new baby.
2. Let your child express their full range of feelings throughout the pregnancy, birth, and afterwards, respond with empathy. There will naturally be some jealousy of all the time and attention you and everyone else are giving to the new baby. Reassure them with your words and actions that you love them and be sure to spend "special" time just with them each day. While it's fine to emphasize the advantages of being older, it's good to reassure them that they will always be your baby, too, and to baby them a bit. Some older siblings may well want to "play" baby, and that's fine. They won't regress forever.
3. Make sure your child knows they still have an important role in the family. They have always been the baby and are about to be displaced. Now they will be the big brother or sister. But they also need to hear that they are an individual who contributes to the family just by being themselves. Make sure you reinforce all the special things about them. Compliment them specifically on their contributions, e.g. "James, I love the way you make me laugh," or "Kate, I love the way you help me with the groceries like this!". Also think about giving them responsibility and structuring the baby’s room so that they can be responsible for small jobs like putting the nappies and wipes near the changing table after a grocery shop. In this way, they can help take care of their baby sibling and it will help your child develop a sense of why they are a valuable member of the family. Talk often about the fact that each member of the family is important in their own way, makes their own special contribution and that the family needs each person for it to be whole.
4. Make sure to discuss with your older child who will be with them during the birth itself.
Unexpected changes in routine can be distressing for children and this can be a difficult time for the older sibling. Be sure they have the opportunity during a "trial run" to spend bonding time with whoever will care for them if it’s not your partner.
5. Ensure that they visit you as quickly as possible after the baby is born, before other visitors. Emphasize your happiness at seeing them, rather than your preoccupation with the new baby. Then let them sit and hold the baby, helping and showing them how to support the baby’s head. Dr. Lawrence Aber, a bonding expert, says that babies' heads give off pheromones, and when we inhale them, we fall in love, and begin to feel protective. The more your older child snuggles their new sibling, the better their relationship is likely to be.
6. Your child may try express anger towards the baby through physical aggression. Don’t punish, but do make clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed. Let your little one express anger through other ways, like drawing a picture of themselves looking mad or roaring like a big, fierce lion, or roleplaying their situation as animals.
Finally, get any big changes out of the way well in advance of the birth or save it till much later, such as room changes, weaning and toilet training. They will need plenty of time to turn these new routines into habits without associating them with the baby. Above all, be patient. Big changes are ahead for the whole family, not just your firstborn.
And if you’re feeling frazzled? Enlist help from a relative, who can tend to your newborn as you spend time with your oldest. Or suggest your partner schedule special activities together with your child, like going roller-skating or to the beach, and give them some special bonding time.
Is your little one starting school in August? Are you planning to toilet-train them over the summer in preparation for their school start? Read our article written by Hong Kong Kindergarten Specialist: "A step by step guide to toilet-training" to get some valuable tips and tricks on how to make this a smooth and stress-free process!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
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