How to support your child through divorce
Friday, May 25, 2018
My parents divorced later on in life. I was already an adult in my twenties when they parted ways but the effect was as devastating as if I had been ten years old. When I was a child, one of my greatest fears, second to the death of one or both of my parents, was that they would split up. I remember seeing how my friends suffered when their parents split and feeling anxious and worried that mine would too. More than anything was the overwhelming worry of “life would not be the same again ” and “who would I choose? ”. I loved both parents equally and the anxiety that I would have to choose between them felt overwhelming and devastating, even though it hadn’t even happened. I could bring myself to tears and feel that knot of despair in my stomach just at the thought but could never voice it to my parents. If I had, I wonder if everything after would have changed significantly.
Being an adult didn’t mitigate that feeling but there were other feelings that entered the mix. When they eventually divorced, it was after many years of estrangement and betrayal. At that point, the biggest feeling from everyone all round was sheer relief. Yes, we were all hurt and devastated, but relief was a welcome feeling. Now we could get down to the business of recovery and getting on with making the most of our lives, instead of being caught in limbo, just waiting with breath held, wondering.
When my child’s father and I split after many years together, it was with no less pain. However, despite having experienced the pain of divorce already with my parents, I knew the moment my relationship was over that I wasn’t going to put my child through those long years of suffering limbo. I believed, and still believe, that my child deserves two parents who are happy and at their best, even if it means they need to be apart. My child was very young when we separated and has no memories of us together as a couple, which makes things easier. However, it didn’t stop him going through a period which started when he was 3 years old, and periodically resurfaces, of him asking why he doesn’t have two parents at home. It was hard the first few times to hear it, but what helped immensely was sitting down and taking the time to explain to him, in child-appropriate terms, certain notions.
1. It isn’t their fault
Sometimes children internalise the anxiety given off by parents and assume the burden of guilt. Please please please make it very clear that it is not their fault. If there’s nothing else that you can say to them, just say this.
2. Be honest and be there
Explain as much as you are able. Tell them that they have two parents who love them, but can’t live together anymore. Yes, they will ask questions that come up constantly, but when they have their answers, they will be more reassured. If you are in the midst of divorce, ensure you spend plenty of time with your child to provide them with some stability.
3) Give them lots of affection
At this moment, children are feeling very vulnerable and may need physical contact to reassure them. Give it to them.
4) Make sure they know they can always communicate with you
Encourage your child to voice and express their feelings and opinions openly, without reproach. They need to know they can vent or discuss how they feel without judgement. Children who can express their feelings will be able channel their frustration and aggression better and defuse those overwhelming feelings. Your child is entitled to these feelings and should be able to talk about them without worrying that his parents will be upset or angry. Offer support and comfort by letting your child know you understand -- and that their feelings matter. Then they'll be free to confront disappointment rather than avoid it, which will serve them well in life.
5) Never fight in front of your kid
Heated conversations should take place on the phone or in another room or place when your kids aren't around. Research has found that the most poorly adjusted kids of divorce are those exposed to ongoing parental battles. Some couples simply can't get along or trust each other and aren't likely to. But for your children's sake, you must stop fighting in front of them. Now’s the time to step up and be the mature adult that your child needs.
6) Never badmouth their parent
Be civil, even if you don’t feel it. Even if you're not openly argumentative, kids can sense tension and become anxious themselves. Research shows that many parents avoid visiting their children simply because running into their exes becomes too much of an ordeal. So make transitions peaceful and ensure your children feel less anxious about visiting their other parent. When they grow up, your child will appreciate that courtesy and will come to understand why you did it.
7) Set aside differences
This is a really hard one, I know. I was incredibly lucky to remain on very good terms with my ex, but the reason why we co-parent so well now was that we made a conscious decision very early on to set aside how we felt, in order to present a united front on all matters, and put our child’s best interests at heart. We set ground rules and made clear decisions on everything, about payment, parenting, holidays, schooling, bad behaviour & punishment (from our kid), etc. and this helped pave the way for smoother parenting. Yes we had to compromise on some things, but we were able to discuss them rationally and set forth clear reasons why, which helped us come to better decisions for our child. If you can’t do this, hire a mediator to liaise and draw up guidelines and agreements. It’s less costly than a lawyer but will help to clarify major decision making and take the stress out of being around the ex.
8) Surround your child with loved ones
Get others involved by including other reliable, caring adults in your child's life. Not only are devoted family members and friends role models your child can depend on, but their commitment takes pressure off you.
9) Take care of yourself
One of the trap’s I’ve seen many other divorced parents fall into is to be so consumed with guilt or shame that they give up any semblance of who they are. They stop taking care of themselves, eat or drink or drug themselves into oblivion, stop working out, stop seeing friends or throw themselves into work. Remember, if you stop caring for yourself, you will not be able to care of your child and see to their needs. Part of that includes being healthy and happy and being a good role model for your child. Treat yourself when you need to, whether it’s a pedicure, or a cocktail or a yoga class or a massage, or just a night out with friends to blow off steam. It’s totally ok to give yourself a break. In fact, I say it’s incredibly necessary and you should make it a regular occurrence!
Breaking up feels like the end of the world for so many involved, but it isn’t and doesn’t have to be. Yes, life will never be the same again. But there is momentum and life does change for the better for everyone involved. Your child will be fine. And so will you.
Read our article on “How to show forgiveness: Setting an example for your little one this Easter” here!
Being an adult didn’t mitigate that feeling but there were other feelings that entered the mix. When they eventually divorced, it was after many years of estrangement and betrayal. At that point, the biggest feeling from everyone all round was sheer relief. Yes, we were all hurt and devastated, but relief was a welcome feeling. Now we could get down to the business of recovery and getting on with making the most of our lives, instead of being caught in limbo, just waiting with breath held, wondering.
When my child’s father and I split after many years together, it was with no less pain. However, despite having experienced the pain of divorce already with my parents, I knew the moment my relationship was over that I wasn’t going to put my child through those long years of suffering limbo. I believed, and still believe, that my child deserves two parents who are happy and at their best, even if it means they need to be apart. My child was very young when we separated and has no memories of us together as a couple, which makes things easier. However, it didn’t stop him going through a period which started when he was 3 years old, and periodically resurfaces, of him asking why he doesn’t have two parents at home. It was hard the first few times to hear it, but what helped immensely was sitting down and taking the time to explain to him, in child-appropriate terms, certain notions.
1. It isn’t their fault
Sometimes children internalise the anxiety given off by parents and assume the burden of guilt. Please please please make it very clear that it is not their fault. If there’s nothing else that you can say to them, just say this.
2. Be honest and be there
Explain as much as you are able. Tell them that they have two parents who love them, but can’t live together anymore. Yes, they will ask questions that come up constantly, but when they have their answers, they will be more reassured. If you are in the midst of divorce, ensure you spend plenty of time with your child to provide them with some stability.
3) Give them lots of affection
At this moment, children are feeling very vulnerable and may need physical contact to reassure them. Give it to them.
4) Make sure they know they can always communicate with you
Encourage your child to voice and express their feelings and opinions openly, without reproach. They need to know they can vent or discuss how they feel without judgement. Children who can express their feelings will be able channel their frustration and aggression better and defuse those overwhelming feelings. Your child is entitled to these feelings and should be able to talk about them without worrying that his parents will be upset or angry. Offer support and comfort by letting your child know you understand -- and that their feelings matter. Then they'll be free to confront disappointment rather than avoid it, which will serve them well in life.
5) Never fight in front of your kid
Heated conversations should take place on the phone or in another room or place when your kids aren't around. Research has found that the most poorly adjusted kids of divorce are those exposed to ongoing parental battles. Some couples simply can't get along or trust each other and aren't likely to. But for your children's sake, you must stop fighting in front of them. Now’s the time to step up and be the mature adult that your child needs.
6) Never badmouth their parent
Be civil, even if you don’t feel it. Even if you're not openly argumentative, kids can sense tension and become anxious themselves. Research shows that many parents avoid visiting their children simply because running into their exes becomes too much of an ordeal. So make transitions peaceful and ensure your children feel less anxious about visiting their other parent. When they grow up, your child will appreciate that courtesy and will come to understand why you did it.
7) Set aside differences
This is a really hard one, I know. I was incredibly lucky to remain on very good terms with my ex, but the reason why we co-parent so well now was that we made a conscious decision very early on to set aside how we felt, in order to present a united front on all matters, and put our child’s best interests at heart. We set ground rules and made clear decisions on everything, about payment, parenting, holidays, schooling, bad behaviour & punishment (from our kid), etc. and this helped pave the way for smoother parenting. Yes we had to compromise on some things, but we were able to discuss them rationally and set forth clear reasons why, which helped us come to better decisions for our child. If you can’t do this, hire a mediator to liaise and draw up guidelines and agreements. It’s less costly than a lawyer but will help to clarify major decision making and take the stress out of being around the ex.
8) Surround your child with loved ones
Get others involved by including other reliable, caring adults in your child's life. Not only are devoted family members and friends role models your child can depend on, but their commitment takes pressure off you.
9) Take care of yourself
One of the trap’s I’ve seen many other divorced parents fall into is to be so consumed with guilt or shame that they give up any semblance of who they are. They stop taking care of themselves, eat or drink or drug themselves into oblivion, stop working out, stop seeing friends or throw themselves into work. Remember, if you stop caring for yourself, you will not be able to care of your child and see to their needs. Part of that includes being healthy and happy and being a good role model for your child. Treat yourself when you need to, whether it’s a pedicure, or a cocktail or a yoga class or a massage, or just a night out with friends to blow off steam. It’s totally ok to give yourself a break. In fact, I say it’s incredibly necessary and you should make it a regular occurrence!
Breaking up feels like the end of the world for so many involved, but it isn’t and doesn’t have to be. Yes, life will never be the same again. But there is momentum and life does change for the better for everyone involved. Your child will be fine. And so will you.
Read our article on “How to show forgiveness: Setting an example for your little one this Easter” here!
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