How to support your firstborn child this Christmas
Thursday, November 30, 2017
It’s been a busy time this first term. Many of our pre-nursery and K1 children have been celebrating the arrival of their new siblings, which is wonderful - lots of stories have been heard by our teachers of new baby brothers and sisters. But amidst all the celebration, there have been whispers speaking to envy and jealousy, which are perfectly normal for firstborn children, and can be considered practically a rite of passage. However, how a parent handles this jealousy makes a considerable, lifelong impact on how firstborn children see their siblings - whether as a friend or a foe. With Christmas just around the corner for many families, this post looks at how to support firstborn children during festivities, in order to build long-lasting positive memories and relationships with all the family.
Under 2 years old
What to expect:
"This is by far the hardest time for the firstborn to accept a new baby," says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., author of The Self-Aware Parent. "Every child needs a full tablespoon of Mommy all to herself. Two years is a full tablespoon. Less than that can increase sibling jealousy and resistance to accepting the baby as a full member of the family." If your older child doesn't seem visibly upset by the baby's arrival, it's possible that they are grieving the end of the way their life used to be. Often this grief doesn't show up as overt jealousy and tantrums until the baby is older, mobile and starts to take or play with the older child's things.
What to do:
Make sure you schedule time each day alone with your older child, even if it’s only 15 minutes to read a story. Try to stay positive, calm, hug, kiss and smile often as even toddlers of this age can pick up on emotions and exhaustion and act upon it. If your child comes to you for a cuddle or attention while you are busy feeding or nursing, acknowledge your child’s need for attention, and tell them that you’ll be able to spend time with them doing what they wish, as soon as you have finished, and if they can’t wait, they can snuggle on the sofa with you and the baby, emphasising all three of you together. If you are able to read a story, and nurse at the same time (!), we would recommend reading stories about siblings, babies and sharing which will help reinforce the concept of sibling relationships.
2-3 years old
What to expect:
Many children this age become weepy, whiny, or clingy, particularly when the novelty of a new baby wears off. Their behaviour may regress and they may demand similar attention that the baby gets, such as wanting a diaper or nursing from their mother. Bedtime routines may suddenly get thrown out of whack and if your child has been sleeping alone, they may now request a parent to sleep with or in the parents bed. Even if they have usually been very good sleepers, sleeping through the night, it is common for older children to wake up in the night (yes, even frequently!) with nightmares or bad dreams, or needing attention such as water, or a hug.
What to do:
At this age, children may find it very difficult to express and articulate their emotions. Parents can help by acknowledging their child’s emotions out loud, e.g. “It looks like you’re feeling really worried because you didn’t sleep so well” and giving them your time and attention. This is when they most need to hear reassurance from their parent. If they are demanding similar attention to the baby, indulge in it and be silly about it, and acknowledge that they want to be a baby again, for just a little while. By doing this, you can defuse their feelings of anxiety about their place in the family and any attention the baby maybe stealing away from them. They will soon feel reassured and want to act less like a baby after a while. Another suggestion would be to give them clear roles and responsibilities as “a big brother / sister”, in helping you with the baby, such as getting wipes for diaper changes or helping to hold a bottle while the baby feeds. At this age, they are also exploring their independence and autonomy so by impressing on them the fact that they have new responsibilities for caring and looking after their sibling, they may divert their attention to this newfound role as a carer. Having time with parents separately, doing “big brother / sister” things that the baby can’t do (see below), will also help them transition.
Older children
What to expect:
From 4 years old onwards, children are fairly understanding and sensible about the arrival of a sibling. It’s easier to explain hazards or the fact that the baby didn’t mean to take their toys, or vomit on them, or pull their hair. From this age onwards, children have better coping skills, not to mention are able to take turns or wait longer for snacks or stories. They are more independent and autonomous, having more of a life of their own, between school, playdates with friends, and activities. That said, as a parent, you are still the most important person in your child’s life and if they fear they aren’t getting the attention they want from you, they may act out. So remember to spend quality time with them on their own, again doing things that are special to the both of you, to reassure them of their importance in your life.
Festive activities to do:
The festive season is a good time to create some wonderful memories of one-to-one time with your child. Try outdoor adventures and walks, or creating handmade gifts such as cookies, brownies, candy, soap, bath oils, bath bombs, paintings, drawings or photo collages. It doesn’t matter how good or how successful you are doing these, being able to laugh at your attempts and failures create memories that are just as special and positive for your child. Just remember that what matters most to your child is that you are spending time with them.
If you’re looking for ways to strengthen your parent-child relationship, why not sign up for our Mighty Oaks Club (http://www.mightyoaks.edu.hk/eng/mighty_oaks_club) for parenting workshops and volunteering opportunities for families. We are a diverse group of educators and parents who have come together to form a warm and open space that offers the community resources, knowledge and support.
Sticking with an exercise routine can be a struggle for anyone. But for parents, squeezing in workouts can feel near impossible. Let’s combine bonding time with exercise time! Read our article on “ Why you should work out with your kids” written by our Hong Kong Playgroup Specialist here!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
Under 2 years old
What to expect:
"This is by far the hardest time for the firstborn to accept a new baby," says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., author of The Self-Aware Parent. "Every child needs a full tablespoon of Mommy all to herself. Two years is a full tablespoon. Less than that can increase sibling jealousy and resistance to accepting the baby as a full member of the family." If your older child doesn't seem visibly upset by the baby's arrival, it's possible that they are grieving the end of the way their life used to be. Often this grief doesn't show up as overt jealousy and tantrums until the baby is older, mobile and starts to take or play with the older child's things.
What to do:
Make sure you schedule time each day alone with your older child, even if it’s only 15 minutes to read a story. Try to stay positive, calm, hug, kiss and smile often as even toddlers of this age can pick up on emotions and exhaustion and act upon it. If your child comes to you for a cuddle or attention while you are busy feeding or nursing, acknowledge your child’s need for attention, and tell them that you’ll be able to spend time with them doing what they wish, as soon as you have finished, and if they can’t wait, they can snuggle on the sofa with you and the baby, emphasising all three of you together. If you are able to read a story, and nurse at the same time (!), we would recommend reading stories about siblings, babies and sharing which will help reinforce the concept of sibling relationships.
2-3 years old
What to expect:
Many children this age become weepy, whiny, or clingy, particularly when the novelty of a new baby wears off. Their behaviour may regress and they may demand similar attention that the baby gets, such as wanting a diaper or nursing from their mother. Bedtime routines may suddenly get thrown out of whack and if your child has been sleeping alone, they may now request a parent to sleep with or in the parents bed. Even if they have usually been very good sleepers, sleeping through the night, it is common for older children to wake up in the night (yes, even frequently!) with nightmares or bad dreams, or needing attention such as water, or a hug.
What to do:
At this age, children may find it very difficult to express and articulate their emotions. Parents can help by acknowledging their child’s emotions out loud, e.g. “It looks like you’re feeling really worried because you didn’t sleep so well” and giving them your time and attention. This is when they most need to hear reassurance from their parent. If they are demanding similar attention to the baby, indulge in it and be silly about it, and acknowledge that they want to be a baby again, for just a little while. By doing this, you can defuse their feelings of anxiety about their place in the family and any attention the baby maybe stealing away from them. They will soon feel reassured and want to act less like a baby after a while. Another suggestion would be to give them clear roles and responsibilities as “a big brother / sister”, in helping you with the baby, such as getting wipes for diaper changes or helping to hold a bottle while the baby feeds. At this age, they are also exploring their independence and autonomy so by impressing on them the fact that they have new responsibilities for caring and looking after their sibling, they may divert their attention to this newfound role as a carer. Having time with parents separately, doing “big brother / sister” things that the baby can’t do (see below), will also help them transition.
Older children
What to expect:
From 4 years old onwards, children are fairly understanding and sensible about the arrival of a sibling. It’s easier to explain hazards or the fact that the baby didn’t mean to take their toys, or vomit on them, or pull their hair. From this age onwards, children have better coping skills, not to mention are able to take turns or wait longer for snacks or stories. They are more independent and autonomous, having more of a life of their own, between school, playdates with friends, and activities. That said, as a parent, you are still the most important person in your child’s life and if they fear they aren’t getting the attention they want from you, they may act out. So remember to spend quality time with them on their own, again doing things that are special to the both of you, to reassure them of their importance in your life.
Festive activities to do:
The festive season is a good time to create some wonderful memories of one-to-one time with your child. Try outdoor adventures and walks, or creating handmade gifts such as cookies, brownies, candy, soap, bath oils, bath bombs, paintings, drawings or photo collages. It doesn’t matter how good or how successful you are doing these, being able to laugh at your attempts and failures create memories that are just as special and positive for your child. Just remember that what matters most to your child is that you are spending time with them.
If you’re looking for ways to strengthen your parent-child relationship, why not sign up for our Mighty Oaks Club (http://www.mightyoaks.edu.hk/eng/mighty_oaks_club) for parenting workshops and volunteering opportunities for families. We are a diverse group of educators and parents who have come together to form a warm and open space that offers the community resources, knowledge and support.
Sticking with an exercise routine can be a struggle for anyone. But for parents, squeezing in workouts can feel near impossible. Let’s combine bonding time with exercise time! Read our article on “ Why you should work out with your kids” written by our Hong Kong Playgroup Specialist here!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
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