Teaching Children to Forgive: Setting an example for your little one this Easter
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Like many others this year, you might be thinking of indulging in chocolate Easter eggs and Easter hunts, but if you’re looking to set an alternative example for your little one, how about the spiritual message of Easter? While many people associate Easter with the coming of spring, for Christians this time of year is focused more inwardly on the message of forgiveness, emulating Jesus’ message of forgiveness to those who had betrayed and hurt him.
Even if you are not religious, this is a particularly important quality for children to understand. Interestingly, this is also echoed by England’s National Curriculum for primary and secondary handbooks, which state that children ‘should learn how to forgive themselves and others’. But why? Forgiveness is a concept that can be challenging to understand and put into practice, especially for children. Even adults struggle with it. Just like any skill you teach your children, starting early and using repetition are keys to success—forgiveness is no exception.
According to the American Psychological Association, forgiveness is a voluntary, deliberate change in feeling toward someone who has caused you hurt or harm; it involves letting go of negative emotions toward the offender and results in a decreased desire for retaliation or revenge. Research connects not forgiving with depression, anxiety, and hostility. Multiple studies find a higher rate of compromised immune systems and heart problems in adults who hold grudges. Children and adults who are able to let go of angry feelings when they’ve been wronged experience greater psychological well-being.
Why forgive?
So why is it necessary for very young children to know this concept? Because your little one is at the age where they’re learning all about the delicate art of friendship and perhaps realising it’s not straightforward or simple. If your child is hurt by a sibling or a bully, it is vital that the hurt party is protected and the perpetrator is disciplined appropriately. But, assuming the offense is dealt with justly, when a child feels lingering anger and hurt, forgiving is what will help them recover—from that hurt, and maybe others as well - leading to a growth mindset.
Forgiveness doesn’t require that the other person apologize, and often it doesn’t have to (and sometimes shouldn’t) result in reconciliation. Forgiveness simply means letting go of feelings of resentment and vengeance, and refocusing thoughts on positive emotions; perhaps even feelings of understanding, empathy, and compassion toward the person who has hurt you.
The Science behind Forgiveness
When kids are wronged and don’t forgive, they remain “stuck” in the traumatic situation when they felt victimized. Every time they recall the hurtful event, they re-experience their stress. If they dwell on their resentment, they continue to release stress chemicals, such as adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine into their brains. This activates the amygdala and other primitive brain regions involved in survival emotions such as fear and rage. The result is an inhibition of the brain’s problem-solving ability, creativity, reasoning, and impulse control.
What happens in the brain when a person forgives is a very different picture. In University of Sheffield research using fMRI scanning, forgiveness exercises helped activate brain regions that feel empathy and make moral judgments. A University of Pisa study found that participants who contemplated forgiveness exhibited activation in five brain regions, indicating an increase in positive emotions, cognitive morality, understanding of the mental states of others, perception, and cognitive control of emotions. Although the research participants were young adults, studies indicate kids’ brains are wired similarly for moral reasoning and empathy.
Research supports the connection between forgiveness and improved academic functions. A study of six to nine-year olds conducted by University of Wisconsin–Madison found that students who learned to forgive reduced their anger in general toward everyone, not just toward the person who harmed them. They also gained an academic edge, and the reason is as simple as having more energy to focus on constructive pursuits. Instead of constantly reliving the trauma, they have turned the page to where they can organize information and think creatively. The negative emotions of unforgiveness can be powerful detractors from children’s attention and focus in the classroom and in their individual studies.
Parents’ Role
Parents play an important role in teaching children about forgiveness. Children watch how important adults in their lives respond when someone does something unkind. Do they let it go or hold a grudge? Do they complain to others or speak directly to the person involved? How long does it take them to get over being mad or hurt? How do they get over it? What children see, they will emulate so parents should be aware of the message they are sending.
Things to try at home
1. It takes practice
Talk about forgiveness daily. This makes it easier when big things happen that require forgiveness. Make sure to incorporate the use of the word “forgive” into your child’s vocabulary. Apologizing with “I’m sorry” is valuable, but saying, “please forgive me” or “I forgive you” is more meaningful.
2. Help children to empathise
Showing empathy towards others is a skill that goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness. Empathy is the ability to see a situation from someone else's point of view or to “put yourself in their shoes.” If your child is able to relate to how people who hurt them feel, then they will be more inclined to forgive.
3. Teach children to care for others
Sympathy is the ability to support another person through a difficult time. Children who learn this skill are able to accept others’ sympathy when they are having a difficult time. Everyone has value and is worthwhile—learning this helps your child to forgive in the future.
4. Acknowledge and validate your children’s feelings
Let your child feel angry, sad, or disappointed but coach them in dealing with the situation rather than in redirecting their emotions. Get them to articulate what they feel and why, e.g. “I feel mad, because Hayden took my bike while I was at the water fountain.” Feelings belong to us and no one can put a value on them or tell us not to feel a certain way. Our feelings should never be minimized. By articulating their feelings and its causes, children will be able to identify what to address.
5. Encourage mediation
Disagreements are, unfortunately, a part of life. Teaching kids the value of communication early in life is important. Understanding that people have opposing views and can still be friends will lead to better relationships. Sometimes it’s a good idea to involve a trusting adult in the conversations in the beginning. This way the children learn that they can disagree without hurting one another physically or emotionally.
6. Teach your child that forgiveness takes time
Feelings can take time to heal; forgiveness is a process and only the starting point of moving on. It may take longer to not feel the pain of the offense, and sometimes the pain may always be there. It is also important to teach your child that forgiveness does not mean they need to stay in a relationship with someone who has greatly hurt them.
Forgiveness doesn't come easily but holding onto resentment is an emotional burden. Forgiveness is crucial, not because the other person deserves it, but because we deserve not to be weighed down with bitterness.
Sticking with an exercise routine can be a struggle for anyone. But for parents, squeezing in workouts can feel near impossible. Let’s combine bonding time with exercise time! Read our article on “ Why you should work out with your kids” written by our Hong Kong Playgroup Specialist here!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
Even if you are not religious, this is a particularly important quality for children to understand. Interestingly, this is also echoed by England’s National Curriculum for primary and secondary handbooks, which state that children ‘should learn how to forgive themselves and others’. But why? Forgiveness is a concept that can be challenging to understand and put into practice, especially for children. Even adults struggle with it. Just like any skill you teach your children, starting early and using repetition are keys to success—forgiveness is no exception.
According to the American Psychological Association, forgiveness is a voluntary, deliberate change in feeling toward someone who has caused you hurt or harm; it involves letting go of negative emotions toward the offender and results in a decreased desire for retaliation or revenge. Research connects not forgiving with depression, anxiety, and hostility. Multiple studies find a higher rate of compromised immune systems and heart problems in adults who hold grudges. Children and adults who are able to let go of angry feelings when they’ve been wronged experience greater psychological well-being.
Why forgive?
So why is it necessary for very young children to know this concept? Because your little one is at the age where they’re learning all about the delicate art of friendship and perhaps realising it’s not straightforward or simple. If your child is hurt by a sibling or a bully, it is vital that the hurt party is protected and the perpetrator is disciplined appropriately. But, assuming the offense is dealt with justly, when a child feels lingering anger and hurt, forgiving is what will help them recover—from that hurt, and maybe others as well - leading to a growth mindset.
Forgiveness doesn’t require that the other person apologize, and often it doesn’t have to (and sometimes shouldn’t) result in reconciliation. Forgiveness simply means letting go of feelings of resentment and vengeance, and refocusing thoughts on positive emotions; perhaps even feelings of understanding, empathy, and compassion toward the person who has hurt you.
The Science behind Forgiveness
When kids are wronged and don’t forgive, they remain “stuck” in the traumatic situation when they felt victimized. Every time they recall the hurtful event, they re-experience their stress. If they dwell on their resentment, they continue to release stress chemicals, such as adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine into their brains. This activates the amygdala and other primitive brain regions involved in survival emotions such as fear and rage. The result is an inhibition of the brain’s problem-solving ability, creativity, reasoning, and impulse control.
What happens in the brain when a person forgives is a very different picture. In University of Sheffield research using fMRI scanning, forgiveness exercises helped activate brain regions that feel empathy and make moral judgments. A University of Pisa study found that participants who contemplated forgiveness exhibited activation in five brain regions, indicating an increase in positive emotions, cognitive morality, understanding of the mental states of others, perception, and cognitive control of emotions. Although the research participants were young adults, studies indicate kids’ brains are wired similarly for moral reasoning and empathy.
Research supports the connection between forgiveness and improved academic functions. A study of six to nine-year olds conducted by University of Wisconsin–Madison found that students who learned to forgive reduced their anger in general toward everyone, not just toward the person who harmed them. They also gained an academic edge, and the reason is as simple as having more energy to focus on constructive pursuits. Instead of constantly reliving the trauma, they have turned the page to where they can organize information and think creatively. The negative emotions of unforgiveness can be powerful detractors from children’s attention and focus in the classroom and in their individual studies.
Parents’ Role
Parents play an important role in teaching children about forgiveness. Children watch how important adults in their lives respond when someone does something unkind. Do they let it go or hold a grudge? Do they complain to others or speak directly to the person involved? How long does it take them to get over being mad or hurt? How do they get over it? What children see, they will emulate so parents should be aware of the message they are sending.
Things to try at home
1. It takes practice
Talk about forgiveness daily. This makes it easier when big things happen that require forgiveness. Make sure to incorporate the use of the word “forgive” into your child’s vocabulary. Apologizing with “I’m sorry” is valuable, but saying, “please forgive me” or “I forgive you” is more meaningful.
2. Help children to empathise
Showing empathy towards others is a skill that goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness. Empathy is the ability to see a situation from someone else's point of view or to “put yourself in their shoes.” If your child is able to relate to how people who hurt them feel, then they will be more inclined to forgive.
3. Teach children to care for others
Sympathy is the ability to support another person through a difficult time. Children who learn this skill are able to accept others’ sympathy when they are having a difficult time. Everyone has value and is worthwhile—learning this helps your child to forgive in the future.
4. Acknowledge and validate your children’s feelings
Let your child feel angry, sad, or disappointed but coach them in dealing with the situation rather than in redirecting their emotions. Get them to articulate what they feel and why, e.g. “I feel mad, because Hayden took my bike while I was at the water fountain.” Feelings belong to us and no one can put a value on them or tell us not to feel a certain way. Our feelings should never be minimized. By articulating their feelings and its causes, children will be able to identify what to address.
5. Encourage mediation
Disagreements are, unfortunately, a part of life. Teaching kids the value of communication early in life is important. Understanding that people have opposing views and can still be friends will lead to better relationships. Sometimes it’s a good idea to involve a trusting adult in the conversations in the beginning. This way the children learn that they can disagree without hurting one another physically or emotionally.
6. Teach your child that forgiveness takes time
Feelings can take time to heal; forgiveness is a process and only the starting point of moving on. It may take longer to not feel the pain of the offense, and sometimes the pain may always be there. It is also important to teach your child that forgiveness does not mean they need to stay in a relationship with someone who has greatly hurt them.
Forgiveness doesn't come easily but holding onto resentment is an emotional burden. Forgiveness is crucial, not because the other person deserves it, but because we deserve not to be weighed down with bitterness.
Sticking with an exercise routine can be a struggle for anyone. But for parents, squeezing in workouts can feel near impossible. Let’s combine bonding time with exercise time! Read our article on “ Why you should work out with your kids” written by our Hong Kong Playgroup Specialist here!
➡【Join our Mighty Oaks family!/ 快來加入奧恩大家庭】
➡【 Sign up for Acorn Trial Class now!/Acorn 試堂優惠】
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