When Your Child Prefers the Nanny
Friday, September 13, 2019
In 2009, 66% of mothers with young children worked outside of home. As working mothers, we often face conflicting feelings when we leave for the office. Such emotions can run especially high when our children are younger than preschool age. We might question whether we have made the right decision to return to work and fear that we may be missing out on the opportunity to be with our children at crucial milestones, such as learning to walk or losing their first tooth. We often choose to hire full-time nannies to look after our young children while we are at work. This decision almost always leads to an immediate sense of reassurance, until we arrive home one day and realize that our child seems to prefer the company of the nanny over us, their own mother.
From a visceral standpoint, it is only natural to be overcome with the occasional prick of jealousy when first hit with this realization. After all, that child is your own flesh and blood! When this happens, remind yourself to be calm first and discuss your concerns with other adults (not your child). Take care of yourself and DO NOT repress your emotions! Remember there is no such thing as a perfect mom or child. Then you will be in a better position to care for your child. It can be confusing for your child to see you upset over something he/she did or didn’t do.
Remind yourself to look at this strong bond from a more rational perspective and recognize it as an extremely positive development. Children tend to react to people from an instinctual level, meaning they typically do not show love to people who have not shown it to them first or who do not deserve it (Roberts, 2016). If your child forms a strong bond with the nanny, you are very blessed as you hired a nanny who loves your child and does not treat them like a "job."
Treat your nanny as a partner. In Shadow Mothers, sociologist Cameron Lynne Macdonald refers to a National Institute of Child Health and Human Development study that found "the higher the quality of childcare, the more the children feel securely attached to their childcare providers and the more securely they remain attached to their mother" (Lee, 2014). A good nanny will share what s/he knows about the child. Learn everything you can from the nanny about your child’s habits, needs, likes and dislikes. Spend some time analyzing your child and his/her relationship (e.g., routines, soothing methods) so you can adopt these helpful observations into your own time with your child. Of course, for important decisions, remember that you are the mother. Be confident in your mothering ability, and do not leave these decisions to your nanny.
Most children will outgrow this bond as their brains develop and they are able to exercise social cognition, yet it is still important to reinforce the notion that you are the child's mother while the nanny is a temporary presence in the child's life (Lee, 2014). Such actions will also reduce the emotional and psychological disruption that the child experiences when the nanny eventually moves on to another position (Bowlby, 2007). One of the best ways to begin reinforcing the importance of the mother–child bond is through the creation of a new routine at home: "mommy and child" time. This routine could be as simple as designating the evening meal as the "mommy and child dining event" or a specific period every couple of days for a special "mommy and child" activity, such as going for a walk, playing a game, baking, or working on a craft project together.
Finally, remember to be patient. This is only a temporary situation. All children go through phases of affection where they prefer one parent over another. Have faith that there's only one you in this world and you are the best mother and caretaker for your child.
If you’re interested in exciting sensory activities to do with your child at home, subscribe to Hong Kong Kindergarten: Mighty Oaks idea of the month Youtube channel.
References
Bowlby, R. (2007). Babies and toddlers in non-parental daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they develop a lasting secondary attachment bond with one carer who is consistently accessible to them. Attachment & Human Development, 9(4), 307-319.
Fusco, K. (n.d.). When your child prefers the nanny over you. Street Directory. Retrieved from https://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/202017/kids_and_teens/when_your_child_prefers_the_nanny_over_you.html.
Lee, L. (2014, April 1). Relationships: how to manage the nanny–child bond without feeling threatened. South China Morning Post. Retrieved from https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/family-education/article/1461773/relationships-how-manage-nanny-child-bond-without-feeling.
Roberts, J. (2016, May 25). Be thankful if your child hugs their nanny instead of you. The Telegraph. Retrieved from https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/be-thankful-if-your-child-hugs-their-nanny-instead-of-you/.
From a visceral standpoint, it is only natural to be overcome with the occasional prick of jealousy when first hit with this realization. After all, that child is your own flesh and blood! When this happens, remind yourself to be calm first and discuss your concerns with other adults (not your child). Take care of yourself and DO NOT repress your emotions! Remember there is no such thing as a perfect mom or child. Then you will be in a better position to care for your child. It can be confusing for your child to see you upset over something he/she did or didn’t do.
Remind yourself to look at this strong bond from a more rational perspective and recognize it as an extremely positive development. Children tend to react to people from an instinctual level, meaning they typically do not show love to people who have not shown it to them first or who do not deserve it (Roberts, 2016). If your child forms a strong bond with the nanny, you are very blessed as you hired a nanny who loves your child and does not treat them like a "job."
Treat your nanny as a partner. In Shadow Mothers, sociologist Cameron Lynne Macdonald refers to a National Institute of Child Health and Human Development study that found "the higher the quality of childcare, the more the children feel securely attached to their childcare providers and the more securely they remain attached to their mother" (Lee, 2014). A good nanny will share what s/he knows about the child. Learn everything you can from the nanny about your child’s habits, needs, likes and dislikes. Spend some time analyzing your child and his/her relationship (e.g., routines, soothing methods) so you can adopt these helpful observations into your own time with your child. Of course, for important decisions, remember that you are the mother. Be confident in your mothering ability, and do not leave these decisions to your nanny.
Most children will outgrow this bond as their brains develop and they are able to exercise social cognition, yet it is still important to reinforce the notion that you are the child's mother while the nanny is a temporary presence in the child's life (Lee, 2014). Such actions will also reduce the emotional and psychological disruption that the child experiences when the nanny eventually moves on to another position (Bowlby, 2007). One of the best ways to begin reinforcing the importance of the mother–child bond is through the creation of a new routine at home: "mommy and child" time. This routine could be as simple as designating the evening meal as the "mommy and child dining event" or a specific period every couple of days for a special "mommy and child" activity, such as going for a walk, playing a game, baking, or working on a craft project together.
Finally, remember to be patient. This is only a temporary situation. All children go through phases of affection where they prefer one parent over another. Have faith that there's only one you in this world and you are the best mother and caretaker for your child.
If you’re interested in exciting sensory activities to do with your child at home, subscribe to Hong Kong Kindergarten: Mighty Oaks idea of the month Youtube channel.
References
Bowlby, R. (2007). Babies and toddlers in non-parental daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they develop a lasting secondary attachment bond with one carer who is consistently accessible to them. Attachment & Human Development, 9(4), 307-319.
Fusco, K. (n.d.). When your child prefers the nanny over you. Street Directory. Retrieved from https://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/202017/kids_and_teens/when_your_child_prefers_the_nanny_over_you.html.
Lee, L. (2014, April 1). Relationships: how to manage the nanny–child bond without feeling threatened. South China Morning Post. Retrieved from https://www.scmp.com/lifestyle/family-education/article/1461773/relationships-how-manage-nanny-child-bond-without-feeling.
Roberts, J. (2016, May 25). Be thankful if your child hugs their nanny instead of you. The Telegraph. Retrieved from https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/be-thankful-if-your-child-hugs-their-nanny-instead-of-you/.
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